


I Get Weak

by SwedishGirl



Category: Westlife
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Brotherly Love, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Emotionally Repressed, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Male Friendship, Oral Sex, Rough Kissing, Secret Crush, Touching, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-12-24 06:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12007317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwedishGirl/pseuds/SwedishGirl
Summary: Nicky is secretly in love with Mark and decides to quit Westlife.





	I Get Weak

"-I'm leaving Westlife."

Nicky looked at them all in turn. There was a suffocating silence. Shane stared at Nicky with a shocked look on his face, unable to speak. Mark stood up in silence and left the room. Nicky was just about to call out for him or go after him, when Kian stepped in front of him. He pushed Nicky hard with both hands and Nicky stumbled backwards and landed on the bed behind him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed as Kian stood way too close, barking at him like an angry dog:

"-That's just fucking great, Nicky. Just walk out on us without any warning. I won't stand for this. I just won't. You're gonna give us an explanation and you're gonna do it now."

Nicky had never seen Kian this furious. Kian had always been the tough one, always speaking his mind. They'd had their fights through the years, but Nicky had never seen Kian's eyes this black with anger before. Nicky was still thinking about what to say when Kian continued:

"-You know me and Shane won't take this. You can't just walk out on us. You can’t just walk out on Mark, this is his life!"

Shane was standing a few feet away, still looking completely shocked, shaking his head and looking down into the floor. Nicky was sitting on the bed, defenseless. Kian was standing over him looking like he was about to hit him.

"-Okay..." Nicky started.

Shane looked up and Kian stepped away a few inches. They were waiting for the explanation.

"-Okay..." Nicky said again, trying to find the right words.

He just couldn't say it. Just couldn't. No way in hell. What would they think? What would they say?

"-Okay, so..."

He could see Kian rolling his eyes.

Shane gave Kian a sharp look.

"-It's complicated, alright? It's hard to explain and I just don't know how to."  
"-We're not leaving until you've tried." Kian said.  
"-Wait, Mark needs to hear this as well." Shane said, pulling out his phone.  
"-No!" Nicky shouted, way louder than he intended.

Kian and Shane looked startled. They exchanged confused looks and then Kian said:

"-Is there a problem with that?"  
"-Yes." Nicky said, looking down into the floor, shaking his head.

The silence that followed was painful. Nicky could see the other two going through things in their minds, trying to figure out what this could possibly be about. Why Nicky didn't want Mark to hear. How Mark could be a part of Nicky's problem. They all knew Mark and they all knew there couldn't possibly be a problem involving Mark that pushed Nicky to quit the band. Whatever conflict there could've been, Mark would have let Nicky win. They all knew that.

"-I... I don't understand... You've got some kind of problem with Mark?" Shane said, looking utterly confused.  
"-Well yeah. Or...no. Or...yeah, the problem isn't Mark as such, the problem is me."  
"-What happened?"

Nicky took a deep breath. Then he said it:

"-I... I fell in love with him."

There. Now it was out. Nicky couldn't look them in the eyes. He couldn't even breathe. He felt himself go sweaty and he could feel his heart pounding fast and hard.

The confused silence was massive.

"-Okay..." Shane said weakly.

More silence.

"-So... He is angry about it, or...?" Kian said with a confused frown.

What? Angry? How could he be angry when he didn't even know about it?

"-He don't know anything..." Nicky answered.  
"-You haven't told him?!"  
"-Of course not!"  
"-Why!?"  
"-Well, what am I supposed to say?"

Kian started to pace around in the small room.

"-So. You're gonna quit the band because you've got a crush on Mark. And you're not gonna tell him. Do you hear yourself? Do you hear how ridiculous that is? Just tell the lad and get it out of your system. I'll call him right away."

"-No!!"

Nicky stood up and managed to snatch Kian's phone from his hands. Kian took a steady grip around Nicky’s wrist. Nicky tried to push Kian away. Kian swore. Shane stepped forward to separate them. Kian’s phone fell to the floor.

“-Stop it!!” Shane shouted.

They all stood frozen to the floor, out of breath, staring at each other. Then Nicky backed off, going back to sit on the bed, hanging his head.

"-Let’s just talk about this like grownups, okay.” Shane said.

Kian glared at him but didn’t say anything.

“-I don't... I mean..." Shane tried.  
"-What." Kian said sharply.  
"-Well... You're not... You like women, don't you...?" he said, looking at Nicky.  
"-Yeah. I know. I'm telling you, it's fucking confusing and I don't know where this came from and I don't know how to handle it, alright? I'm 32 years old and suddenly I'm in love with a man. And not just any man. It's Mark, for Christ's sake. I thought it would pass, but now it's been almost a year and it doesn't go away. I only love him more and more. I can't do this anymore."

They were all standing in silence again. Each in their own thoughts, contemplating the whole situation.

"-Regardless of everything else, you need to speak to Mark. He is upset and deserves to know the band isn't jeopardized."  
"-It isn't? I mean...he will not want to work with me after this."  
"-It's Mark. It will be okay. You know Mark."  
"-Yes, but still. I know he is ridiculously non-judgmental and all that, but I mean, c'mon..."  
"-I don't think he would mind, to be honest with you."  
"-But..."  
"-Why would he be bothered? He was in the same situation for years. Not in love with one of us, but being gay and not able to tell anyone. If anyone knows how you feel, it's Mark."  
"-Yeah, but... Still... I just can't tell him."

* * *

Mark had sensed for a very long time that there was something wrong. Nicky had behaved a bit odd for several months and Mark had wondered what that was all about. Still, when Nicky had told them he wanted to quit, Mark felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over him. Yes, Nicky had been behaving weird but he never thought it would come to this. They all reacted in their own ways. Shane looked like he didn't get what Nicky was saying. Kian got furious within seconds. Mark went silent. When he looked Nicky in the eyes, Nicky looked totally devastated but at the same time determined. Mark felt like years of true friendship and brotherhood was just snatched away from him within seconds. He felt tears rise in his eyes, and decided to leave. He just couldn't cope right now. He couldn't stand there listening to Nicky dissing everything Mark thought they'd had.

Only ten minutes later, Shane knocked on his door.

"-Hey man, are you okay?" Shane said.  
"-I'm okay. Just needed a moment by myself."  
"-Nicky is not leaving."  
"-What do you mean?"  
"-He is not quitting the band. I don't think he is, anyway. Sit down, will ya."

Mark sat down on the bed and Shane sat down next to him.

"-Look, he is just worried about certain things."  
"-What things?"  
"-Well, just certain things. Like what you are gonna think of certain things."  
"-What I am gonna think? I usually don't think anything of anything."  
"-I know. I told him that. And he knows that too. But this is different."  
"-How is it different?"  
"-Well, he's sort of...discovered things about himself that he didn't know. And that we didn't know. And he is worried what you might think of them."  
"-Like what? Has he become a nazi or something?"

Shane laughed out loud.

"-No, he's not a nazi. He's sort of...got feelings for you."

Mark was staring at Shane.

"-Feelings?"  
"-Yes, Mark. Feelings. He's in love with you for gods sake!"

Mark looked like he couldn't grasp what Shane had just said.

"-In love with me? Nicky?"  
"-Yepp."  
"-He told you that?"  
"-Well, not exactly. We had to drag it out of him. He just said he couldn't do this anymore and he didn't want to give any explanation. But Kian forced him to."  
"-Of course he did." Mark smirked.  
"-He said he's in love with you and that it's hard to be around you and not be able to be honest about it."  
"-I know how that feels."  
"-I know, Mark." Shane said and put a hand on his shoulder.

There was a moment of silence.

"-You know, that is hell. To be in love with somebody that you see every day, and not be able to enjoy it or show it. You know, if you're in love or just sort of like someone, you can always get energy from that. Flirting and joking and maybe even a slight touch or a little hug. Small things that keep you happy and keep you feeling appreciated and acknowledged. But when you're trapped behind this fucking secret, you just can't. Before I came out, I couldn't do any of that. I was always watching myself. Was afraid it might show somehow. Afraid that someone would see what I was. When I hugged you guys it was always on your initiative and I always tried to keep it sort of macho you know, not making the hugs tender and not hugging for too long. Back then, I really though it would destroy everything if people found out. I thought it would destroy the band and destroy the lives of my four best friends."  
"-I know." Shane said, shaking his head.

Mark took a deep breath.

"-Look, just tell Nicky that I don't mind at all. Of course I don't. How could I? It's just nice to know that somebody likes me."  
"-Okay."  
"-And you know, if there's anything I can do..."  
"-Yeah, I know. Just continue to be his friend and we'll see from there. Maybe he will want to talk to you eventually, but..."  
"-Yeah...”

* * *

It had only been 10 minutes since Shane had left to go speak to Mark. But to Nicky, it felt like an eternity. He was pacing restlessly around the room, checking his phone every other second. Kian was sitting on the bed, trying to be supportive by staying with Nicky while he waited for Shane to come back. He had tried to make conversation but had soon realized there was no point.

Finally, Shane returned.

"-What did you say? How did he take it? What did he say? What..." Nicky started.  
"-It's okay. He's fine." Shane said, raising both his hands in a gesture as to stop Nicky from babbling.

"-I simply told him that you have discovered that you have feelings for him."  
"-And what did he say?"  
"-He was totally fine with it, just as we expected. He said it was nice. He smiled."

Nicky felt like he had a million more questions, but when he opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out.

"-He said he's fine with it as long as you are. He wondered if there was anything he could do." Shane continued.  
"-And what did you tell him?"  
"-I told him he didn't have to do anything, just continuing being your friend as usual."

Nicky nodded. He went up to Shane and gave him a hug.

"-Thanks man."  
"-No problem."

Nicky went over to hug Kian as well.

"-Thanks. See you tomorrow at breakfast, then."  
"-Yeah. Try to get some sleep now, will ya." Kian said.  
"-I will."

Kian and Shane left, and Nicky closed the door behind them. He went to sit on the bed, letting out a deep breath.

So, Mark knew now. Nicky didn't know how to feel about that. He was definitely relieved that his secret was not only his to bear anymore. But at the same time, he was not sure things were going to be easier just because Mark and the other lads knew. Somehow it felt as if he had put the burden on Mark now. It was as if it was up to Mark to decide how to behave now. It couldn't be easy for him to continue to work with Nicky, knowing Nicky was in love with him.

Nicky was afraid that Mark or the other lads would pity him or feel sorry for him. That would be so uncomfortable. He was afraid that their relationship would change beyond recognition because of all this. He wanted to keep the great friendship they had, keep being brothers, keep being the gang they were. He wasn't sure how, though.

The thoughts were spinning in his head. He dreaded the morning. How was he supposed to eat breakfast with the other lads? With Mark? As if nothing had happened? He didn't know how to handle this. It would be awkward as hell meeting Mark tomorrow morning. Nicky almost wished Mark would oversleep and miss breakfast. He did that quite often, anyway. But on the other hand, that would just prolong the agony, and postpone the first uncomfortable encounter. Shit.

Nicky's phone beeped.

A text message. From Mark.

Nicky's heart raced. He felt almost nauseous when clicking open the message.

"Love is never a bad thing. No worries. See you tomorrow."

Nicky felt a lump in his throat and tears filling his eyes. This was so typical Mark. Always so non-judgmental and supportive. Always trying to make everyone feel good. This was a part of why Nicky loved him so much. Mark was adorable in so many ways.

Nicky read the text message over and over again. He couldn't stop crying.

It was late when he finally drifted off to sleep, head still spinning with thoughts that became more and more incoherent.

* * *

The next morning when Nicky arrived in the hotel restaurant for breakfast, Mark was already there. Sitting at a table in the corner looking sleepy, wearing his glasses, his dark hair all messy. Nicky realized Mark had arrived early on purpose, to get a chance to speak to Nicky without Kian and Shane. Mark was good like that.

When Mark spotted Nicky, he stood up and went to meet him. He gave him a sincere hug and said:

"-Hey, are you alright?"  
"-Yeah. Just embarrassed beyond belief. But I'll live."  
"-No reason to be embarrassed." Mark assured him.  
"-Well, it is as it is. And now you know. The lads know."  
"-Don't worry about it. It could have been worse. You could have hated me. Or you could've been in love with Kian."

Nicky giggled. Mark gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder and a wink, and then he started to point out where the tea was and that the juice wasn't great and that Nicky really should try the bread even if he usually didn't eat bread. Nicky did understand what Mark was trying to do, and he appreciated it.

They sat down and started to eat and everything immediately felt back to normal. Mark was not the most talkative this early, but he tried to put some effort in as there were only the two of them.

Shane and Kian arrived shortly after. They came up to the table, holding their trays, looking ridiculously awkward.

"-Yes, we're both okay, thank you. And yes, you may sit here." Mark said to them, giving Nicky a wink and a naughty smile. Nicky had to stop himself from bursting out laughing. Shane and Kian looked utterly relieved as they sat down.

Nicky could see that Kian and Shane were looking weary. They had probably expected this breakfast to be a challenge. Mark had apparently decided it wouldn't be. Kian and Shane were a bit quiet at first, but it didn't take long before they were engaged in the usual discussions.

* * * 

Nicky was relieved that the first breakfast had gone well. It felt like the greatest obstacle had been overcome just by sitting down together with Mark and the others and being able to behave normal.

The day went on as usual. A few hours on the tour bus. A new city. A new hotel. A concert in the evening. Nicky kind of half expected the concerts to feel different now. He realized that his secret was not out in the public and never would be, but he sort of thought it would feel different in some way to stand on stage after telling the boys about his feelings. But things were surprisingly normal.

The first day after his revelation was finally over. Nicky was lying in his bed thinking it all through. Mark had been so wonderful, really going out of his way to make Nicky feel comfortable. Towards the end of the day, Nicky had started to think that this might actually work.

* * *

Things went back to normal quite soon. Days turned into weeks. Everyone had been focusing so much on how Nicky was holding up, so when things were beginning to go downhill for Mark, no one noticed. Not even Mark himself. He woke up one day and just couldn't get out of bed.

He recognized this feeling. There had been many mornings like this, before he came out. The suffocating feeling of not being able to be himself. The hopelessness when realizing this would probably go on for the rest of his life. The panic of being all alone, not having anyone to talk to.

It was tragic, really, that he was so used to this feeling. But that also meant he knew how to handle it. He just shut down. Put himself on autopilot. Thought of himself as a machine. Put one foot in front of the other and just did what he was told. Kian used to be his savior on days like this. Kian had it all sorted, knew exactly what they were supposed to do, how their schedule looked, how many hours they would be working today, and to which city they were heading tomorrow. He could even tell Mark what to wear, if he needed that. Mark just had to latch on to Kian and do as he was told. Kian was good at being the boss without feeling ill at ease.

A few days went by without anyone mentioning anything. Mark managed to act quite normal in front of the others. He probably came across as a bit absent-minded, but that was a natural part of his personality and the others didn't seem to react to it even if it was a bit more than usual.

He started to feel like there wasn't any use. Why even bother to go outside his hotel room. Why even bother to socialize with the lads, putting up a facade.

Shane was the first one to ask. They had been doing an interview at a radio studio and Mark was standing in the corridor waiting for the car that was supposed to take them back to the hotel. Shane came up to Mark, put a hand on his shoulder and said:

"-Hey, what's the matter?"

Mark wasn't prepared for a question like that. He couldn't tell Shane what really was the matter. He couldn't even think it to himself. It was just too fucked up, too ironic really. He hadn't even sorted things in his own mind.

"-Nothing..."  
"-Nothing, huh? Then why haven't I seen you smile for nearly three weeks? Why do you behave like a robot most of the time? Why have you gone into your shell and locked the door on us?"

Mark was taken aback. He hadn't realized it was that obvious. He'd thought he was getting away with it.

He couldn't look Shane in the eyes. There was silence between them. Mark looked down into the floor. He could feel Shane's eyes on him, his hand on his shoulder. Shane's voice was not angry, it was supportive and caring. But the message was still demanding.

"-Mark. I'm worried about you, that's all. I just wish you could share what's going on, you know. I'm so tired of you shutting us out. I thought we were through with that. You know you can talk to us, to me."

Mark felt a lump in his throat and tried to swallow it down. Shane obviously noticed, and wrapped him in a hug.

Kian and Nicky approached in the corridor. Shane lifted his hand in a gesture that made them stop. Then he held Mark for as long as Mark needed it. Kian and Nicky standing silent further down the corridor, giving them some space.

When Mark slowly let go, he still couldn't look Shane in the eyes.

"-Thanks..." he murmured.

Shane put a hand on his back and led him to the waiting car. Nicky and Kian followed.

* * *

Mark knew he wasn’t good at opening up about his feelings. He knew he needed to, though. He knew that the biggest mistake he had done in his life was not talking about certain things. He didn’t want to do that mistake again. Still, leaving the solitude in his hotel room to go over to Shane’s room to talk was a challenge.

He knocked on Shane’s door.

"-Hey Marky." Shane smiled at him and invited him in.  
"-Hey.”

Shane gave him a hug.

“-Um... You said we could talk, so..." Mark tried.  
"-Yeah, of course. What's up."

Mark took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face.

"-I don't know. It's...complicated."

Shane put a hand to Mark's back and led him gently towards the bed. They sat down on the edge, side by side.

"-Are you okay?" Shane asked.  
"-Yeah. I'm just... I don't even know how to begin... Um... You know how coming out was the best decision I ever made, right?"  
"-Absolutely."  
"-And that I promised myself to be honest to myself in the future."  
"-Yeah."  
"-Yeah, well... I screwed it up."  
"-What happened?"

Mark took a deep breath.

"-I've never told anyone this, but..." Mark began, before going silent again.

Shane realized he needed a push.

"-You can tell me anything, you know that. I won't tell anyone."  
"-I know."

Shane put his arm around Mark's shoulders.

"-Yeah, well, you know when we had the auditions back in the beginning. 1998."  
"-Yeah."  
"-When Nicky stepped onto the stage..."

Mark shook his head.

"-It was love at first sight, Shane." he said.

Shane didn't say anything.

"-I thought he was the cutest boy I'd ever seen."

Shane smiled.

"-I was terrified when I realized you all wanted him in the band. I couldn't believe I actually had a chance to work with such a beautiful boy."

Mark went silent for a moment before continuing.

"-It's been hard. It's been so hard, Shane. I was in love with him for years. He was straight and I wasn't out, and I just...put it away deep inside and..."

Mark shook his head again.

Shane tightened his grip around Mark's shoulders to show his support.

"-I decided not to be in love with him. I decided it wasn't acceptable. I put it away. I stopped being in love with him on pure will power. And now... I mean... I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to behave. I thought I could handle it, but I just can't."

There was silence. When Shane realized Mark was finished, he said:

"-Wow, Mark... I don't know what to say... I wish you'd told me. Back then. You shouldn't have carried everything inside you."  
"-I know. I wish I hadn't, but it's too late to go back and change it."

They sat in silence for a moment. Then Mark continued:

"-He is in love with me, Shane. I'm sure it will pass, eventually. It does have a tendency to do so if there's no response. But... I don't think I ever stopped loving him. It's been years since I allowed myself to even think about him that way. It's all coming back now and I don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to make him feel comfortable about this."  
"-You've been splendid, Mark. I'm sure he is grateful for all you've done."  
"-Yeah, but... I feel like I'm back in the closet now. Not being true to myself. I promised myself never to do that again, yet here I am, doing exactly that!"  
"-You're saying you're in love with him?"  
"-I'm saying I don't even know. I've locked this inside and thrown away the key, years and years ago.”

Shane stood up.

"-Come here." he said, reaching out a hand and dragging Mark up. He wrapped him in a big hug and said:

"-I think honesty is always good. I think you should speak to Nicky. But you can't be honest if you don't know how you're feeling. So, give it a few days or weeks and then speak to him. It's always better to talk about it, right?"  
"-Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Shane."

* * *

Nicky had of course noticed that Mark seemed depressed. He wasn’t sure how to approach him about it, though. He didn’t want to seem like he was snooping around. And he thought he needed to keep a bit of a distance with regards to the circumstances.

Nicky loved to make Mark smile, bringing out the cute dimples and the spark in his eyes. And Mark's laughter was the best sound in the world, deep and warm and a bit raspy. Still – there was something about Mark when he was moody that Nicky found immensly attractive. Something that made Nicky feel protective about him. When Mark was sad or tired, Nicky felt more love than he thought possible. He just wanted to wrap Mark in his arms and never let go. He wanted to take care of him and be everything Mark needed.

But then, of course, he wasn’t. Mark didn’t need him. Mark wasn’t even interested of him in that way.

Nicky felt stupid seeing Mark getting more and more depressed and not being able to do anything to support him. Before all of this debacle started, it had just been common sense to give Mark a hug and ask how he was doing. Now it seemed impossible to do that, all of a sudden.

Nicky started to wish he had never told the lads about his feelings. He had been afraid it would change everything, and now it had. He couldn’t take it back now. Everything was ruined. Just because of his stupid feelings for Mark.

* * *

“-But they’re acting like two stubborn children, Shane! What are we supposed to do, then? We can’t go on like this. This is just ridiculous!”

Mark was on his way down to breakfast and was approaching the lifts when he heard Kian talk with a low voice to Shane. They hadn’t noticed him yet. He stopped and listened. Kian continued:

“-They’re ruining the band, Shane. Things are not working anymore. Westlife will be over if they continue like this. They don’t speak to each other and they barely speak to us. This is fucked.”  
"-Kian..." Shane began.

Mark backed away and went back to his room. He didn't want to hear any more. He felt the panic rise in his chest. The band was apparently jeopardized. Kian and Shane were angry. And it was all his fault. It was his fault because Nicky had fallen in love with him and he couldn’t handle it. Because he was a fucking coward. And now everything was falling apart.

Mark felt sick. He went back to his bed and stayed there for the rest of the day.

* * *

“-There is an afterparty planned for this evening, after the concert. I expect you two to show up. And I expect you to act like grownups. Is that understood?” Kian demanded.

Nicky looked over at Mark who was glaring back at Kian. Nicky nodded. Mark nodded. Neither of them said a word. Kian left the room, looking really annoyed.

Shane just looked exhausted and looked between the two of them. He looked like he didn’t know what to do or what to say.

“-Guys, why don’t you just try and talk to each other, right? This is really strenuous, on all of us.”

Mark didn’t say anything. Neither did Nicky. Shane stood up and let out a deep breath and said:

“-Okay lads…”

He raised his hands in a defensive gesture and then he left the room.

* * *

The concert went okay. Nothing magical as the chemistry in the band was far from magical right now. Shane did his best to please the crowd, and he was fantastic at it as usual.

The afterparty was in a large suite in the hotel penthouse. Mark was the last one to join. He didn’t even have the energy to try and talk to the lads, or anyone else for that matter. He spent his evening at the bar, trying to get as drunk as possible. Trying to drown his sorrows in booze.

At the other end of the bar, as far from Mark as possible, Nicky was doing the same. He could see Mark from where he was sitting, but he avoided looking his way on purpose.

It was late in the evening when Mark decided it was enough. He was so drunk he had trouble keeping his balance when he staggered off to go to his room. He was too drunk to find the lifts, so he decided to take the stairs instead.

He started to walk down the stairs, holding onto the handrail carefully. He’d only made two floors when he had to sit down. His head was spinning and he realized taking the stairs in this state was not one of his best ideas.

He could hear the muffled music still playing at the party upstairs. Voices and laughter in the distance. He felt so fucking lonely and miserable sitting here all by himself. He was so fucking tired of himself not being able to do anything properly. He was in love with Nicky, yet he couldn’t even admit it to himself, let alone to Nicky. Instead, he treated Nicky like air, not even speaking to him anymore. He knew it wasn’t fair. He knew he acted like an idiot.

He punched the wall beside him as hard as he could in frustration. When he felt the sharp overwhelming pain in his hand, he used that as an excuse to start crying.

* * *

Nicky had seen Mark leave on unsteady legs, looking broken. Had this been a normal afterparty, Nicky or one of the other lads had been there to take care of Mark and help him to his room. Now, no one cared. Not even Shane or Kian. Things were really fucked up.

Nicky felt a lump in his throat. This wasn’t fair. He had seen Mark, yet he had done nothing. He loved Mark, yet he treated him like shit. And he didn’t even know why. Around him, people were partying, having a great time. He couldn’t stand to sit here anymore.

Nicky emptied his whiskey and headed for the stairs.

* * *

Nicky had just made it down the first couple of stairs when he heard a soft sobbing sound. When he turned the next corner, he saw someone sitting in the stairs in front of him.

It was Mark. Fucking hell.

He was crying like a child. Shoulders shaking. Face buried in his hands. Fucking fucking hell.

Nicky couldn’t back away now. He was too close, Mark would notice him. Besides, Nicky couldn't let him sit there like that. He had to do something. 

It was not without hesitation he sat down beside Mark and put an arm around his shoulders.

“-Hey…” Nicky said.

Mark didn’t say anything. He shook his head and tried to wipe his tears clumsily with the back of his hands.

“-Fuck…” he said, voice shaking.

Nicky stroked his hair.

“-It’s okay."

Mark tried to take deep breaths and wiped his tears with his sleeve.

"-Why are you sitting here crying when there’s a party in your honor going on upstairs?” Nicky said.

Mark looked at him and snorted.

“-Why are you sitting here comforting me when there’s loads of people adoring you upstairs?”

Nicky giggled. He reached for Marks face, wiping away a tear from his cheek. Mark looked broken, but was still utterly beautiful. All pale skin and dark hair and big eyes.

Nicky knew he couldn’t walk away now.

* * *

Mark suddenly felt a soft soothing kiss on his lips. Nicky’s hand gently on his cheek. He didn't know what to say. Words didn't seem the right thing right now.

Mark hesitantly reached for the back of Nicky’s neck with one hand, kissing him. Nicky leant in and kissed back, whimpering slightly, eyes closed.

The kiss broke and they looked at each other.

“-This staircase is fucking uncomfortable.” Nicky said.

Nicky stood up and reached out a hand to drag Mark up. Mark struggled to stand up, and had to hold on to Nicky not to fall. He realized he was pretty fucking drunk.

“-You are in no state to walk the stairs, Mark.” Nicky said.  
“-No…”  
“-Let’s take the lift instead.”  
“-You don’t do lifts.”  
“-For you, I will.”

Nicky put an arm around Mark’s waist and felt Mark’s arm drape around his shoulders. They were both quite drunk and it was probably good for them both to have someone to lean on.

* * *

The lift doors closed and Nicky felt slightly panicked. He hated lifts. Really really hated them. Mark reached for Nicky’s hand and squeezed it hard.

When the lift started to descend, Mark dragged Nicky close and wrapped him in a big hug. Nicky pressed his forehead to Mark’s chest, trying to remain calm. He could feel Mark stroking his back reassuringly. Nicky closed his eyes and remained like that until they reached their floor.

They stumbled into Nicky’s room, drunk and giggly. As soon as the door closed behind them, Nicky was kissing Mark again. His hands skating eagerly over Marks broad chest, tugging off Marks hoodie.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he probably knew that being drunk and doing a thing like this wasn’t the cleverest thing in the world. But right now, he didn’t care. Mark was so fucking sexy and he smelled so good and Nicky had been wanting to do this for months. He didn’t have a plan, he just acted on pure impulse now. He just wanted Mark. Wanted him so badly. Didn’t care about anything else.

Nicky clawed at Mark's clothes, fumbled to open his jeans. T-shirts were being pulled off awkwardly and tossed to the floor. Jeans were being tugged off clumsily between hard kisses. It had only been a couple of minutes since they arrived in Nicky’s room and now they were already naked.

Nicky pushed Mark towards the bed and when Mark fell backwards onto the bed, Nicky giggled and climbed on top.

“-Oh my god, you’re beautiful…” Nicky whispered.  
“-You too…” Mark breathed.

Nicky was straddling Mark, grinding down, kissing his chest. Touching him. Sliding his tongue up Mark’s neck. Nibbling at Mark’s ear. Tasting him. Smelling him. Wanting to feel all of him at once.

Mark kept his eyes closed, hands firmly on Nicky’s hips. He felt intoxicated, drunk not only from alcohol but also from Nicky being so fucking sexy on top of him.

Nicky was breathing hard, grinding down, tugging at Mark's hair too hard, biting Mark's shoulder. Mark was arching up, letting his hand find it's way from Nickys hip down his thigh and onto his erection.

"-Oh, god..." Nicky moaned.  
"-So sexy." Mark breathed.

Nicky reached for Mark's erection and from there on it was only seconds before they both came, collapsing on the bed, panting hard.

* * *

Mark woke up by someone knocking hard on the door. His head was pounding and his eyes were sensitive to the light that came in through the window. He knew this feeling too well. A massive hangover. Then, yesterday came back, roaring through his head like a freight train. Nicky. Him and Nicky.

He looked over and saw Nicky waking up beside him, looking just as worse for wear as Mark felt.

There was another sharp knock on the door and Kian called out:

"-Nicky! Are you in there?"

Mark och Nicky stared at each other. Nicky gestured to Mark to go into the bathroom. Then he wrapped himself in his blanket and went to open the door.

"-Hey Ki, what's going on?"  
"-Why aren't you dressed? We're leaving in 10 minutes, we've got interviews to do!"  
"-Oh, fuck... I overslept..."

Kian didn't look impressed.

"-Well, that's not our worst problem. Mark is missing."

Nicky was just about to say "No, he is right here!" but managed to stop himself. It would be too weird to tell Kian that now. He had to talk this through with Mark first.

"-Um... He is... I... He texted me. He is on his way..."  
"-What?! Where is he?"  
"-He is on his way."

Kian stared at Nicky. 

"-I'll be right there." Nicky blurted out, and closed the door.

"-Fuck, they've been trying to reach me for three hours." Mark said, looking at his phone.  
"-Me too. For gods sake. We have to go. Now."  
"-I... Nicky... We smell... We need to shower..."

Nicky realized Mark was right. It smelled of sex in here.

"-You go first. Make it quick."

As Mark showered, Nicky tried to remember what had happened last night. He only had vague memories. The soreness in his body gave him a hint of what had been going on. The crusty sheets gave him another.

Mark came out of the shower after two minutes.

"-Fuck, I don't have any clean clothes here..." he said, smelling the clothes he'd worn the previous evening, trying to establish how gross they were.  
"-Here, take what you need." Nicky said, pointing at his own suitcase before heading into the shower.

Mark found boxers and socks and a t-shirt that he borrowed. It was all too small but he didn't have a choice. There was no way he could fit into Nicky's jeans or jacket though, so he put on his own from yesterday.

They were almost stumbling towards the door and Nicky reached for the door handle. Before he opened it, he turned to Mark and looked him straight in the eyes and said:

"-We had sex last night."

Mark hesitated for a moment before answering shyly:

"-I'm having a bit of trouble remembering any of it right now, but yes. It comes back in flashbacks... I'd say it was rather fantastic."  
"-I think it might have been. Look, we have to go. We’ll talk later. You wanna make it look like we didn't shag, you go down the lift and I'll take the stairs and we'll not arrive at the same time?"  
"-Okay."  
"-Will you be alright?"  
"-I will. And you?"  
"-Yes."

Mark smiled his shy smile and Nicky reached up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then, Nicky went for the stairs.

* * *

Shane and Kian were standing in the lobby when Mark arrived. Kian was not happy.

"-Where the fuck have you been, we've been worried sick! Why haven't you been answering your phone! God damn it, Mark!" Kian barked, before noticing the dark circles under Mark's eyes and the slightly trembling hand when Mark put his sunglasses on.

"-I'm sorry. Don't feel well..."

Shane went up to him and put a hand to his forehead.

"-Are you alright?"  
"-Yeah, it's just a head ache." Mark said.  
"-It's a bloody hangover..." Kian snorted.  
"-Maybe you should stay in your room, lie down for a bit?" Shane suggested.  
"-That's what I've been doing. I'm okay."  
"-But you weren't in your room, we checked!" Kian demanded.

In the same second, Nicky came up to them and said:

"-Sorry lads, I overslept. I do apologize. Let's go."

Mark could see Kian studying the t-shirt that Mark was wearing. It was obviously too tight and it was obviously Nicky's. Kian gave Mark a suspicious glare but didn't have time to dig into the subject.

* * *

The first interview was a weird experience for Nicky. As the radio presenter kept asking them questions about their music and about the tour, Nicky kept having those flashbacks of Mark doing wonderful things to his body. It was really hard to concentrate, and on more than one occasion Shane had to give him a nudge when it was his turn to speak.

He could see Mark having a difficult time as well, being even more detached than usual, keeping completely quiet unless a question wasn't directed specifically at him. It was really adorable.

* * *

Mark's head was throbbing. He wasn't really in any state to participate in this interview. He hadn't listened to a word the radio presenter had said. He thanked God it was radio and not television. He knew he wasn't a pretty sight right now. Kian had told him to take off his sunglasses, Kian was very strict about stuff like that, didn't want people to think they were stuck up snobs or anything. Keeping your sunglasses on inside a radio studio was rude.

Mark glanced at Nicky who was sitting in his usual manner, legs widely spread, a cheeky grin on his face, licking his lips swiftly before answering a question about his previous football career. That thing Nicky always did with his tongue was one of the sexiest things about him. Mark had never seen anyone licking their lips the way Nicky did. So suggestive. So sexy. Mark couldn't help himself from thinking about what Nicky had done with that tongue last night. How he had used it all over Mark's body. Licking his way down Mark's chest and stomach...

Mark swallowed hard and shifted uneasily in his seat. He could feel himself starting to get aroused and he tried to force his mind back to other things. Boring things. The ugly furniture in here. The ugly radio presenter. Kian's ugly shoes. Nicky. Nicky's widely spread legs. Nicky's...fuck!! He took a deep breath and ran a hand over his face.

"-Are you okay? You don't look great." Shane said, putting a hand on his shoulder and looking worried.

Mark realized they were not on the air anymore.

"-Um... Thanks Shane... I just need some air." Mark said, and got up and staggered out of the studio. He could feel Shane's worried eyes on him as he left.

Mark went out the back and closed the door behind him. He leant against the wall, trying to breathe in great lung fulls of cold air. Trying to get the images of Nicky's naked body out of his head.

As he stood there he heard the door open and he saw Nicky coming out.

"-Hi. You coping alright?" Nicky said.  
"-Not at all. And you?"  
"-Nope."

Nicky stepped closer and took Mark's hand and said:

"-I don't regret it, though."  
"-Me neither."

Mark looked Nicky deep in the eyes and was just about to lean forward and kiss him when the door slammed open again and Kian poked his head out. When he saw Mark and Nicky, he glared at them and said:

"-Two minutes, lads! Don’t be late!”

* * *

If the first part had been weird, the rest of the radio interview was even more so. Kian was giving Nicky and Mark meaningful glares and the only one really engaged in the interview now was Shane who continued to answer all the questions very politely.

As they were sitting in the taxi heading for the hotel, Kian said:

“-So. What’s going on, lads?”

Shane looked up as if he wondered who Kian was talking to.

“-Mark? Nicky? You wanna tell us what’s going on?”

Nicky saw how Mark shrunk back into his seat, trying to make himself as small and invisible as possible.

“-Give the lad a break, Ki. He is not feeling well.” Nicky said.  
“-What were you two doing out the back in the pause, then?” Kian snapped back.  
“-Mark was feeling nauseous, I was just checking on him, that’s all.” Nicky said.

Nicky knew Kian had seen them. Seen them standing too close. Seen them quickly separate when Kian stuck his head out. Seen Nicky letting go of Mark’s hand. But he didn’t want to admit to anything until he had talked it through with Mark.

Kian gave Nicky an angry look, but he remained silent.

* * *

The concert that evening was mad. Nicky was on top form, making a very long speech, reading out too many banners that was really too filthy. Mark was singing like a god. And Shane seemed very relieved that Mark seemed to feel better. Kian still kept his guard up, watching every step Mark and Nicky took.

Kian wanted to have a band meeting after the concert but the other three objected. They thought it could wait.

Nicky and Mark had their own plans. They intended to meet in Mark’s room to discuss the situation and to decide what to tell the others.

But as soon as Mark opened the door, Nicky was over him and they were kissing passionately. It was impossible not to. Nicky had been ridiculously turned on by seeing Mark so confident on stage tonight. Nicky’s hands were all over Mark. Carding through his hair, skating across his back, feeling underneath his t-shirt, tugging at Mark’s jeans, trying to get them open. Nicky was making little whimpering sounds of need. He was undressing himself as well as Mark, desperate and awkward, at the same time as pushing Mark towards the bed.

They landed on the bed in a pile, moaning and touching and trying to satisfy their needs as fast as possible. Nicky ended up straddling Mark, just as last time. Only this time, he was higher up, enabling Mark to get a pretty amazing view of Nicky’s manhood and give it some extra attention. Nicky was already begging:

“-Please… Need you…”

Mark was stroking Nicky with one hand, but that wasn’t enough anymore. Nicky needed more, he was desperate now. He took Marks other hand and sucked on two fingers and then he guided them down.

“-You sure”? Mark managed.  
“-Please… Now…” Nicky moaned.

When Nicky felt Mark’s fingers pushing inside, he could barely keep himself from coming.

“-Stop.” he whimpered.

Only seconds ago he had been trembling by need, acting desperate and moving furiously. Now he suddenly kept completely still, eyes shut, hands still on Mark’s chest, frozen, hitched breaths.

Mark kept still, waiting. Studying Nicky’s face carefully to see if he was alright. He could see nothing but pleasure there. Slowly, he increased the pressure on the exact right spot.

“-Mark… Fuck… Oh god… Please… Gonna… Oh god…”

Nicky didn’t seem to know what he was saying anymore. Words were coming out but they didn’t make any sense. Mark watched Nicky’s face as he pressed even harder. He saw eyes squeezing shut and he felt a hand squeezing too hard to his upper arm, another hand coming up to grab Mark’s hair way too hard. Mark almost giggled by Nicky’s reaction.

“-Gonna… Gonna come… Oh god… I’m coming…”

Mark stroked Nicky’s erection and thrusted his fingers deep and Nicky came, shouting out Mark’s name. His body jerking hard. He collapsed on top of Mark and seemed almost unconscious for a moment.

“-You okay?” Mark asked.  
“-Yes… Oh fuck Mark, you’re bloody amazing…” Nicky panted before kissing him hard and continuing down his chest and stomach. With a firm grip around Mark’s erection and a talented tongue swirling around the head, Nicky pushed Mark over the edge within a minute.

They fell asleep shortly after, Nicky lying in Mark’s arms.

* * *

They woke up to both their phones ringing. They had overslept. Again.

Another day of sheer madness. Kian almost chasing them to try and get some answers.

Throughout the day they were surrounded by other people and couldn’t talk. Neither to each other nor to the other two lads.

It was only minutes until showtime. Kian was pacing restlessly outside the dressing rooms. There was no way Nicky could sneak into Mark’s dressing room for a chat, Kian would notice. It was frustrating as hell not getting to speak to Mark in private. They had tried everything to be left alone for a few minutes during the day, but nothing had worked. They still hadn’t had “the talk” and they still didn’t know what to say to the lads.

Now they were all gathered outside the dressings rooms and ready to head for the stage. They climbed the stairs that led up to the stage and when Kian saw Louis standing there, he went to the side to have a quick chat to him. Shane joined him.

“-Quick!” Nicky said, dragging Mark in the opposite direction.

Mark didn’t know where Nicky was dragging him, they were only a few steps away from Kian and Shane but they were behind some sort of curtain or something. It was pitch black here and they couldn’t see where they were standing.

The intro to their first song was already playing but they didn’t care. They just had to get this out of their systems. Now. The music was roaring and there wasn’t any possibility to actually have a chat now. But it didn’t matter. They didn’t need to talk about this. They only had one thing to say:

“-I love you.” Nicky shouted over the music.  
“-I love you too.” Mark shouted back.

The darkness made it impossible for Mark to actually see Nicky, but he could feel Nicky smiling when he reached out to kiss him. They were half into the intro now and Mark knew they were supposed to stand on the stage by now. He intended to go back and out on the stage in a second. He tugged Nicky close, wrapping his arms around Nicky’s waist. He felt Nicky wrapping his arms around his shoulders. They closed their eyes and kissed one last time.

That’s when the lights went on.

They were on the stage. In the spotlight. 35.000 screaming fans looking at them and going wild.

Mark glanced at Nicky, who looked utterly shocked before smiling, licking his lips and reaching up to kiss Mark once more, demonstratively this time.

The audience roared.

* * *

It was all over the internet the day after. The fans were over the moon for them.

"-What were you thinking, anyway? When were you planning on telling us?" Kian asked as the four of them sat down to have dinner.

"-We didn't plan any of it. Everything just kind of happened." Nicky said, glancing at Mark.  
"-We didn't even know ourselves what was going on." Mark contributed.  
"-Well, I could have told you, then. It was fucking obvious. Fucking idiots." Kian snorted.

It had been a difficult few weeks, but now everything was getting better. Well, not everything. Kian had always been the grumpy one and that would not change overnight just because of some silly romance.


End file.
